Communication

I think most adults have heard how important communication is in a relationship. Any relationship. From personal experience, I would basically agree.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and living together for maybe a year now?! We met after my diagnosis, before changes in my career, and during COVID. We have crammed a lot of stuff into a few years. He is a pretty typical healthy individual and had never been in an emergency room (ER) until he met me. He has now been with me through two hospitalizations. He knew I had heart failure from day 1 (we met through a matchmaker), and part of the reason it works is that he is very methodical and logical. Also very direct. What can I say - he is an engineer! I would say that communication, particularly direct communication, is our forte.

Communication, relationships, and heart failure

For anyone who is in a relationship, relationships are hard enough. Adding in a chronic illness like heart failure, with its invisible nature of it and high burden of symptoms is an added challenge. I have been going through a rougher patch as of late, and what has been surprising is what I have learned. It turns out my communication skills still had room for improvement. Here is what I have learned, and if you are struggling perhaps it might help you too.

So what is direct communication? To me, it is not rudeness. You still need to utilize empathy, understanding, flexibility, etc. However, in my experience, direct communication means clearly communicating how you feel, or instructions, without editing for the sake of the recipient. It is watching out for any rambling. It means not focusing on the other person and instead using precious energy to make sure that you are using "I" statements and being clear.

In my opinion, clear communication is a very brave act and it is a testament to the value of the relationship. If you feel like you have been expressing something but the other party is not picking it up, perhaps take a look at what you are saying and how you are saying it. Are you really being clear?

An example from my personal experience

Here is a small example. For instance, let's say I am struggling. I assume that my partner has an inclining of what I need because he sees me every day! We have been together for awhile. He must know what I am struggling with and what would help. When I tell him, "please do not do a, b, or c," then it is pretty clear what I need, right?

Maybe not? If you are confident that your partner means well and has the best intentions at heart, even though they live with you, it does not mean that they understand every detail of your life. They are living their own day-to-day life too, with their struggles, etc.

So I tried a new tact. I sent him a text and said, "honey, we both know that I am in a rough patch. Please choose, grocery shop, and take care of dinner tonight (obviously heart-friendly, very low salt, etc.) and I need support. By support, I mean time with you where we are creating connection. I would like to DO something together. We can play a game or go for a walk, I do not care. I need to DO something with you this evening."

You might not agree with what I am currently perceiving as quality time, and that is fine. I will tell you that while we have had conversations around support, I finally felt supported. I think the point is that it is hard. Relationships, of all kinds, are hard and chronic illness is hard. It is so easy to think that we are doing the right thing and it is the other person's fault. Just take a second and consider, maybe talk to a friend, but the message may not be received the way you intended.

Do you have communication strategies that you use in your relationships, or specifically when talking about heart failure? Click the button below to share with our community!