Managing the "I Should..." In My Self-Narrative

As a fellow heart failure patient, I understand that there are many limitations that come with this diagnosis no matter what stage of life you are in. The fatigue, low blood pressure issues, water retention, etc. means that we are NOT the same person that we were pre-diagnosis. As such, there are limitations that come with a diagnosis of congestive heart failure (CHF), and they have a huge impact on our lives.

Simply put, we do not have the same choices that we had before. Whether it's not being as active of a mother as we wanted, not having the active retirement that we wanted, or not being to travel or work as we wanted, we have limitations thrust upon us every day. This proves that not only is there the physical challenge of heart failure, but the mental component is real as well.

Recognizing the narrative

As someone who has had CHF for 4 years, I have the same struggles, and as such I have had to examine my self narrative which impacts how I try to move forward.

I realized that the phrase "I should" used to come up frequently. Most often, in the context of "I should be able to..."

However, I have come to realize how damaging this phrase is for me and how to manage it. I wanted to share with the community in the hopes that someone else might use this as inspiration to take a look at their own internal narrative as well!

I've realized that the phrase "I should," in the context of life limitations from heart failure, roots the person in the past. Admittedly, you should be able to have an active retirement, have the career that you want, be the mother and partner that you want to be, be able to maintain a spotless house, etc. I agree 100% with that statement! It's not fair that heart failure may not let us do those things. And, ANYONE who says you should just accept it, has never had their choices ripped away from them and their comments should be heard with a grain of salt. However, you might not be able to have those things.

Managing the "I should" narrative with heart failure

What if our new reality may have some positive aspects of it's own? Again, this is not minimizing that feelings of loss that are a natural part of the grieving process -NOR am I saying that there is a clear end point either. Sadness over loss will continue coming up; however, how do you manage it so it doesn't manage you?

Some things I've tried

Instead of saying "I should..." with a great deal of self compassion I try to think about "I have." Like "I have a circle of people who show me tremendous love every day," "I have a spouse who does not expect a spotless house," "I have a good mind and have found that I enjoy (less physically demanding) board games with my partner," "I found a job that has flexible hours," etc.

The other thing that helps is trying to establish new things that are important to me and give my life meaning and purpose. Admittedly, this is a harder one for me. However, I am trying! And the effort is worth it.

To summarize, I cannot say that I never think that I should be able to do A, B or C. Of course I do, and I do not want to banish it. However, I do strive for more balance in my thoughts, so I can accept my reality, be sad about it, but still move forward with the life I have.