Late-Night Thoughts
I should be asleep. Instead, I'm pondering. About my health, and the shift of my life’s journey.
Fighting this discontent that is trying to take over me. While never knowing when shortness of breath will control me; or when the fluid retention will distend me.
Every symptom takes a toll on my body physically and mentally. The eyelash extensions mask the swollen eyelids, while my smile masks my pain.
My heart is struggling. Trying its hardest to keep me alive. My LVAD is helping, and I know God is on my side. It still doesn’t change these late-night thoughts and the discontent I often hide.
Thinking about my struggles with heart failure
Seems simple, they say don’t worry about the things out of your control; but I’m tired of the struggles, and pain caused by the outside.
My illness is not a weakness, and I keep defying the odds. Doesn’t change my plight for housing, fair treatment, and sensible policies to save lives.
Trying to clear my mind of these late-night thoughts. It’s hard, because there are no lies. The struggles of heart failure are scary and unpredictable, awakening me like nightmares I’m afraid to defy.
Live and be great, that’s what I often say because my reality can’t be life. Heart flutters, palpitations, blood clots, and operations. I have so much more life to let shine.
Releasing is not complaining, is what I often confide. Saying it to others, I support without worry, while facing my own battles in silence. My poor heart can’t take this, it aches and it’s broken. These late-night thoughts are not helping, but I’m trying to release them from the inside.
The shift was life-altering, and came with great purpose. Raise awareness. Impact change. Save lives. Be the reason why. I’m trying my hardest, but I’m still broken-hearted - literally on the inside.
I need saving. I can’t swim. I’m drowning from within. Where’s my lifeline?
The late-night thoughts subsiding
I’m getting tired from overthinking. Cardiac rehab, heart healthy lifestyle, stay positive, and be grateful. Too much to process. These late-night thoughts have me weary.
This struggle is real, but this is my journey. In ways it strengthens me, and gives me willpower. This heart failure will not overcome me. I have to keep fighting.
Standing firm in my belief, there’s so much more for me. Simplicity. Smooth sailing. Easy breathing and clear waters. No second guessing. Heart failure will not be my demise.
These late-night thoughts are subsiding. I needed to release some of these feelings I’ve been fighting. I feel better, a weight is lifted. My mind is clearer, my heart is feeling protected.
Twenty-two years on this heart failure path. Grateful to watch my sons as they come into their own, while figuring out this thing called life. I’m grateful that I was built tough, because this has been one hell of a fight.
Grateful for the connections I’ve made with heart sisters and brothers who inspire each other to survive. I am grateful to see another day when I open my eyes.
Tina Marie - Pretty Lady Chronicles
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