Version 2.0

I think that, as heart failure patients, we can all relate to experiencing tough situations that are out of our control.

For me, I came into this with a STEMI heart attack, sudden cardiac arrest, cardiac ICU, etc. Additionally, we know that my heart failure is progressing based on my scans, however, we do not know how far and how fast I will fall. There is no amount of time after which the odds of the bad stuff happening diminishes. There is an amazing amount of 'traumatic out of control' events I have experienced, continue to experience, and might still experience in the future. There is so much to worry about and process that is TOTALLY out of my control.

However, this has impacted me in good and bad ways. I wanted to share some of these ways for others, as some of this I only just realized and it has been helpful to understand myself better. If you recognize any of this in yourself, I hope this also helps.

Ways heart failure impacted me

Micromanaging: Controlling what I can

First, I now have a tendency to micromanage what my partner eats! I have always been a "go with the flow" kind of person. However, when it comes to my partner eating a heart healthy diet, I am NOT a go with the flow kind of person. We have had arguments about how it makes me feel when [I feel] that he is making unhealthy choices. I realize now that there is so much out of my control, and therefore a tendency to try and control what I can.

However, there is helpfulness and micromanaging that drives any sane person away. I now use the tools that I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy to assess my feeling from a logical point of view, and I communicate effectively.

Letting go of what is not in my control

On a positive note, I am acutely aware of what I can control and I do try and control that. This has helped me prioritize how I want to spend my time and minimize the distractions that do not bring me joy. In some ways, it is a much more freeing outlook and it is amazing how now some of the stuff does not bother me.

The new version of myself in my heart failure journey

I am also definitely compassionate and patient when it comes to other people going through tough stuff because I understand that others may be suffering in a way that I simply cannot understand, as very few people understand what I am going through. In some ways, I am actually a better person then I was.

I hope this helps people who might be at the beginning of their journey. As for many of us, we are not the same people as we were before. I hope that this brings greater appreciation and patience for who we are now!