Help! My Partner Doesn't Want to Embrace My New Lifestyle Changes

In my years as a moderator for this site I have read a lot of comments from patients who are frustrated because their partners are not embracing the changes required after a diagnosis of heart failure. Whether it be a new diet, exercise requirements, challenges brought on by fatigue, exercise intolerance, angina, etc., there seems to be a fair number of patients who struggle with either talking about their limitations to their partner or getting their partner to embrace the requested changes or modifications. Even if they do get the desired actions requested of their partner or family members, I also see other patients complaining about their family members having a poor attitude when it comes to getting on board with their lifestyle changes.

What I learned in my experience with my partner

Personally, I am a 40 year old woman in a 4 year committed relationship with a man. Admittedly, I do not have to deal with the added complexity of a larger household (it is just the 2 of us) and my partner entered my life post diagnosis. So, to a degree, he knew what he was signing up for. However, even with us verbally discussing my health and some challenges, there was a definite transition when I moved in. It was eye opening when he saw my lifestyle 24/7.

We have the benefit of being able to work with a couples counselor, and I have my own therapist, so we have a lot of support. Through this, I have learned a few tidbits that I wanted to share in hopes this might help others navigate going through the heart failure process with a partner!

Focusing on me

The first thing I have learned is that I need to focus on ME. To do this, I wait to discuss things that are bothering me until I am truly calm. If I go in with "you are a jerk," "YOU need to do this or that," etc., he tunes me out because these statements illicit a defense reaction as they can come across as a criticism, attack, etc. Now, you may mean to criticize and attack; HOWEVER, just because you can, does not mean that you should. Moreover, stress is not good for heart failure, so you might want to try a different approach if what you are doing is not working.

Reframing: Making "me" statements

An approach I have learned to embrace is focusing on "me" statements. A good example is that instead of saying, "you are a jerk for eating a pizza in front of me and not realizing that it might be triggering for me, especially when I don't have readily available alternatives and might be too fatigued to cook!" I say "there is still food I miss and it's very triggering for me when you eat it in front of me, especially when I am already hungry and there is not another option for me. You can go out and get a slice of pizza if you want, whereas cheating is not an option for me and I might be out of spoons. So, when it comes to meals that we are both partaking in together, I would feel so supported and loved (and would further strengthen our relationship) if we can work together and we figure out a meal that works for both of us."

Letting my partner have his emotions

Another thing I have learned is that his emotions are his responsibility. My partner may not always like what I am asking. So, he may have periods of visible frustration through sighs, groans, etc. He might say something like "GOD, there are SO many dishes." However, I have developed a thicker skin, and I realize that his frustration is not my problem.

Is he doing what I'm asking? Yes, and the caveat is that he never yells at me, belittles me, questions my worth because of what I can or cannot do, gives me prolonged silent treatment, punishes me, etc. Even if he did what I asked, these behaviors would be unacceptable in my book. The response to a comment mentioned above might be, "Well the sponge and dish soap is under the sink..." You can address stuff directly without feeding into anger or frustration, once you realize that it is not your problem.

What are some ways to help partners embrace necessary lifestyle changes?

Can you relate to any of these? Have you found any practices that help in navigating heart failure with your partner?