a woman experiencing a wide range of emotions, shown on a rollercoaster

The Rollercoaster

Have you ever been on a rollercoaster? Not just any rollercoaster, the kind that once it takes off you immediately lose your breath?

Ups and downs

By the time you start to catch it, you are so many feet off the ground - the heavy breathing begins, your heart is pounding, and those extremely loud screams come. At that point, all you want to do is get off the ride. It comes to the point where you realize you are stuck on the ride until it's over so you brace yourself.

You take that deep breath and tell your brain to relax until it's almost over. But you are still on the ride and feeling all the turns, dips, fast elevation, slowdowns, and pick-ups. You have come to a peaceful, relaxing place. You have had that self pep-talk and all you have to do now is wait until it's over.

When the ride finally stops you take that deep breath of relief, unbuckle that seat belt and all you can do is anticipate jumping off that roller coaster ride. Oh, the joy you feel when you get off the ride! Sometimes you realize that it wasn't that bad.

Trials and trauma

Well, that was me when I got to 27 weeks of pregnancy. I was just wanting to get over that little milestone before heading to 28 weeks. Some would say I needed more self-control or mental control. I would agree, but for me, the trauma I had dealt with made that extremely hard.

It was a mental battle every day where all kinds of negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions would overtake me and I literally would have to do the deep breaths and count down to reset my mind. I'd try to think of something more positive and repeat affirmations in my head until that feeling passed.

Losing a child is one of the hardest things a human can go through in my opinion and losing my son years ago took me to a very dark place. I can remember feeling numb, lost, with no motivation, no real understanding as to why with all the questions flowing in my head. How could I work so hard to get my child here only to have him leave me? I thought that would be my one and only child and I was okay with that because my health wasn't in the best shape and in just a blink of an eye it was all taken away from me.

Bittersweet

Writing this article is bittersweet. I'm open about my journey but having to relive some parts of it is like reinjuring an old wound. I now realize it was light at the end of the tunnel because my womb was blessed again. The 27 weeks put so much fear in me because my son was born at that time and I didn't want a repeat of that devastation. Being in the NICU watching my child process one day and then suffer the next. My life is a roller coaster ride in a way that doesn't compare to riding one. The hard part is over and I'm forever grateful.

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