Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Last updated: September 2022

Honestly, heart failure is a colossal pain in the butt. There are good days and bad days, like with anything else. The good days far outnumber the bad days, but the bad ones...are bad.

I try not to let heart failure hold me back

Fatigue is a constant battle. My ejection fraction has risen from less than 10% to 30-35%. I'm no longer constantly short of breath. I walk up and down the hills in my neighborhood with moderate effort, and I can keep up with our doodle, Mia. But sometimes, I can barely get out of bed.

Sure, I gripe to friends and family about it, and the most common response I get from the extremely busy people in my life is, "I wish I could stay in bed all day."

No. You don't.

Will I get up tomorrow morning?

Some mornings, it feels like I'm being held against my will by the comforter. Like Buddha's Palm is pressing me down into the memory foam mattress. Like I'm drowning. I have trouble reaching for my cellphone on the nightstand. Speech is difficult. And sometimes, I am asleep again, even though I don't want to be.

Mia will jump up on the bed with me, keeping watch (I'd guess) as she snuggles in until I'm awake again, which makes climbing into bed every night kind of a crapshoot. There is always the chance--the fear--that one of these mornings, I won't wake up at all.

And the terrible understanding that I only have to be right...once.

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