PLC: DATING and HEART FAILURE

By Tina Marie Marsden

2 min read

It is always interesting sharing my advanced heart failure diagnosis on a more personal level. I literally get butterflies thinking about how I am going to explain my LVAD to new acquaintances. For me, it's one thing to share in public spaces or platforms such as this (heart-failure.net). However, opening up on a more personal or intimate level requires a different type of courage. So I thought.

Letting it all out

Adapting to life in a constant fight to overcome heart failure was enough in itself at the age of twenty-eight (28). So the first mention of an implantable defibrillator was a no for me. Little did I know that would be nothing in comparison to receiving my first LVAD.

At the first description of the LVAD, I was ready. That was until the day my surgeon walked into my hospital room holding a prototype of the LVAD pump, batteries, and a controller. I was confused because I did not realize there would be external components. I was only thirty-six (36) at the time. For me it was one thing to say, I'm overcoming heart failure and have a defibrillator. I asked my team, "How do I explain a cord coming out of my stomach connected to batteries and a controller?"

Let's just be honest, how could anyone not be afraid or worried for you when you explain the severity of your health? When I imagined explaining my LVAD all I saw was rejection in my future.

Embracing the new and advanced me

Even with the thought of rejection, I had this belief that it was best to lay it all out on the table when meeting new acquaintances. So I asked another friend recently, "How can I explain my LVAD without scaring someone?" The response I received was, you can't. No matter how you explain it, it's gonna be scary. As much as that statement bothered me I understood it.

I processed those words though... "you can't" and "it's gonna be scary." Moving forward, I decided to try something different. No more laying everything out. Besides, for all I know there may be no true connection, and we may no longer speak past this week...I'm just saying...

So now, only when the time is right I share a few details about overcoming PPCM (pregnancy-induced heart failure); but not my LVAD. I share my LVAD when it becomes absolutely necessary. I decided to just live, and allow new acquaintances an opportunity to get to know me before introducing my full diagnosis.

Besides, are new acquaintances telling me, or you, everything?

All I see is you: Dating with heart failure

We always say we're not our diagnosis right? So, let's truly live in that. I definitely know that my LVAD doesn't define me. In fact, it adds its own little spice.

For now, I'm enjoying making new connections just as Tina. Not Tina with PPCM, not Tina with an LVAD, nor Tina with a defibrillator. Just Tina. I even had one new acquaintance tell me, I don't even see your LVAD. All I see is you. I was told that was based on my approach and how I live life. Unbeknownst to me, this new approach to dating and heart failure appears to be working.

Do you share your heart failure diagnosis while dating? Are there parts that you leave out until necessary? What have you found that works for you?

Tina Marie ~ Pretty Lady Chronicles

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Olivia Rose Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Tina Marie Marsden" user-id="3936300"/> thank you for sharing your personal experience with having the LVAD and dating. I like what you said about us not being our diagnosis it's so true. When I first had the LVAD, I was embarrassed to be walking around with it and wondering if people were looking at me because of it. When I started dating I just told people about my journey and they never saw it as a negative thing but saw my strength and how I persevered through it. Although there were some people that couldn't handle it and that's ok too. Dating is already hard for regular people (without heart failure) so it's good to hear you talk about your experience.
Leslie Castro Moderator & Contributor
I’ve been and out of heart failure all my life. I’ve never known what it was like to live without heart disease because I was born with congenital heart disease, so as far as dating, I didn’t tell anyone in my teenage years because I didn’t want people to think of me any differently from anyone else. Unfortunately when my health started declining in 2017, I had a long term relationship with someone who just couldn’t handle the fact that I needed to undergo possibly a dual transplant, so he left the picture while I was going through heart and liver evaluations. However, this person insisted on informing him my health status post transplantation. Being a nice person, I did inform him that I was healthier than I’ve ever been in my life. Needless to say, I haven’t spoken to him since the last phone call. Dating is tough, but dating while going through heart failure is tougher because you never know if your loved one is going to live the next day, which is rough on both parties. Thank you for sharing. Leslie (Community Moderator)
Kimberly Connell Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Tina Marie Marsden" user-id="3936300"/> I was 12 years old, when it all started for me. I wish I could have had a childhood like other kids. I was young, and lost with no real understanding. To be honest I'm just now understanding it all because I put a block there to bare the anxiety and depression that's attached to it. Thank you for being brave and sharing your life with us. It's so necessary and helpful. When I first was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy I had a Boyfriend and I was ready to break up with him because I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. I wanted to leave him before he left me. I avoided him until I couldn't anymore. I finally got the courage to tell him and to my surprise he stayed with me and by my side. We dated for 3 years and to this day he still checks on me and bring up memories from it. Kimberly (Heart-failure.net Team)