Put Yourself First

One of the hardest things about heart failure is that it takes away so much of your independence and abilities. It can be so hard and the grieving process never really ends. Sometimes the losses are so great you learn to live with them, but you do not get over them, and sometimes it can be triggered! Or, as the disease can progress and your abilities change, new losses come up that require additional grieving. Also, heart failure patients often rely on others for so many things, that at least for me, I am often thinking about how others are doing and feeling. Do they feel appreciated? Do they know how grateful I am? Am I being too much of a burden, and they will become resentful? And the list goes on...

A recent experience

I personally had a few sad days this week, particularly around my inability to have my own family. In context, my heart failure hit me at age 35, before I had started a family and ran around with little kids, unfortunately. I find that going back to school is hugely triggering for me, actually more than big holidays that come with family photos. Probably because as a woman in my late 30s, I am surrounded by the cutest back-to-school pics of my friends' and acquaintances' children. I can see the excitement on the kid's faces, and I would give anything to be a part of that joy.

So I had a sad day(s)...lol. I was going somewhere with my partner crying. I found myself apologizing. In the moment, I can honestly tell you that I was truly concerned about his well-being and how much of a burden I was being. I know that a crying woman does not exactly make for a terrific partner. Funny enough, that same day my partner was in a bad mood for the afternoon. I mean a really hangry, tired, foul mood. Did he apologize for it? Nope. Did he seem to care if he was being a burden? Nope again. I am not saying this out of malice, as I understand. It is hard, and counterproductive, to care more about someone else when you are struggling. Sometimes self-preservation is truly the healthiest thing. I asked him later what he thought triggered this and he said, nothing, he was just in a bad mood. It happens to all of us.

Putting ourselves first with heart failure

I reflected on how I felt when I was struggling, and how much more I was carrying about my partner than me. Then about how my partner put himself first in times of need. And truly, I realized that I, and probably many of you, think about others in our times of need. Does it help though? I do not think so! And honestly, given the magnitude of what we are facing, we deserve to have off days. It is normal to have sad, angry, or whatever occasional mood you want, even if you do not have a chronic illness! We definitely deserve to feel our emotions when we need to.

So here is food for thought... Are you kind to yourself when you need it? If not, why? Let's try to be kinder to ourselves and put ourselves first when we need it! I get that at times we may be more of a burden to our friends and family than an able-bodied person, but that does not mean that we do not deserve the time and space to experience our emotions when we need it! Just because we have greater needs, that does not make us any less valued.

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