Heart Failure and Mental Health
Mental health is extremely important. I remember when the word anxiety was first mentioned to me. I admittedly got defensive - I was taught to pray about everything and everything would be okay. In this case, it wasn’t that easy.
Anxiety rising
I was 3 months pregnant with Isaiah and aborting him was the best idea because there was a chance that we both would die. My heart was only pumping 20% for the both of us, but being a mother or becoming a mother, I just couldn’t do it. It was either risk my life for Isaiah or fight to get him here so I could meet him, to just lay my eyes on the human in my belly even if it was just for a little while.
Making that decision is a feeling I really can't explain or put in words - it was just overwhelming every second of the day. So the word anxiety was becoming a friend that had forced itself into my life. I heard the word before but it meant nothing to me. I didn’t identify with it, so I never gave my attention to it.
Still not over
Anxiety simply means a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome, and that summed me up at the time in my life, I just wanted my son to be okay in every way possible.
Every time I built myself up in a positive way every doctor would knock me down because getting Isaiah here was becoming impossible from their point of view. I just couldn’t handle it anymore and BOOM, anxiety came! I knew the way I thought and processed things had changed. Everything was making me anxious because I just wanted it to be over and it wasn’t happening. To this day it’s still not over and never will be in my eyes.
Mental health affects everything
Isaiah is gone, I have a heart transplant that keeps me on my toes, and diabetes has invited itself into my life.
So when I say mental health is important, trust me it is because it affects everything about our lives - from how we think, to how we feel and behave. Mental health can affect daily life, relationships, and even physical health.
To admit that out loud is something no one wants to do but it’s a real place and my life has taken me there. I used to think it was embarrassing to talk to a therapist but it was the very thing that helped me to keep moving forward in life while carrying so many burdens that were given to me, none of which I brought upon myself which made them harder to accept.
At times I lose control over my thoughts, letting them go into places that are hard to return from. That’s when I had to seek help to protect my mental health.
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